


FOR SEUNGCHEOL

by onescoupaday



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Fanfiction, M/M, Romance, Sick Character, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:46:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23054182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onescoupaday/pseuds/onescoupaday
Summary: Year 2022. Jeonghan shocks everyone with his decision to take a break indefinitely. 3 years later, Seungcheol finds out why.
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan
Comments: 18
Kudos: 112





	1. WHY DID YOU LEAVE

**Author's Note:**

> THIS WILL HURT A LOT.   
> LET'S BE STRONG. 
> 
> FOR BEKA. BC I LOVE HER. <3

// FOR SEUNGCHEOL

12.18.22

Seungcheol stared Jeonghan down from across the conference room. The latter, although looking calm and composed, looked every bit as bothered as the other 11 boys in the room. Seungcheol continued looking, challenging Jeonghan to look back at him but the younger man looked everywhere but him.

There was the expected tension in the air, to be honest, Seungcheol felt his chest constrict. He slouched on his chair, leaning to the table, his hands curling to fists as his fingernails dug on his own flesh.

“Hyung..” he heard Chan call out to him, obviously aware that he will explode anytime now. Chan’s voice, however, brought Seungcheol’s floating mind back in the room and with a deep dark voice he spoke, “Tell me again, _Jeonghan_.”

His words elicited several sighs from the other members. “Hyung, please stop.” Mingyu half-whined, half-begged. They’ve been at it for three hours already, with Jeonghan explaining to them three times what his plan is.

“Shut up, Mingyu. I want to hear it again. He has to say it to me.” Seungcheol pressed on. If his gaze could dig holes in Jeonghan’s body, Jeonghan would be full of it by now. “Say it again.”

Jihoon then stood up, “I’ve had enough of this. Let’s just all go. Let them be.” and without even sparing another look at Jeonghan and Seungcheol, he walked out of the room. The other members reluctantly followed him.

“I said say it again!” Seungcheol yelled as he stood up, slamming his hands hards onto the table. Jeonghan finally lokked up at him. “What else do you want me to say, Seungcheol? I’ve told you everything.”

“Tell me again. All of it. I don’t understand. Make me understand. You have to.. because this… I can’t accept this. I will not accept this. I refuse to. You’re not leaving, Jeonghan.” Seungcheol almost allowed the sob forming in his throat to be let out.

“I’m not leaving. I’m just… I’m taking a break… indefinitely.”

“Why?”

“Because that’s what I want.”

“Want?!” Seungcheol exclaimed, laughing sarcastically. “How selfish!”

Jeonghan did not have any retort for that. He has no fight in himself anymore. He will take whatever Seungcheol gives him-- he will take in everything. He will accept everything even if it hurts. Because he knows it’s nothing compared to how the older man is feeling right now.

“How long have you been thinking about this? You never even said anything to me.”

“Quite some time now. I’ve been discussing it with the managers.” Jeonghan explained calmly.

“And you think it right to just bypass me-- the leader, and just went straight to the management?” Seungcheol is pacing now.

“I didn’t want to distract you, not with the pending release of the new album.”

“So you’re saying you’re being considerate right now? Do you expect me to be thankful?” Sarcasm has laced Seungcheol’s words. “You think not telling me is being considerate? We’re releasing two weeks from now! Two weeks Jeonghan! And you will not even participate? What do you expect us to do? Re-shoot the whole thing? Record everything again?! Or maybe even postpone release so we can be considerate of your sudden decision to take a break?” Seungcheol could not stop it, even if he wanted to he could not. He knew something was wrong. He knew Jeonghan has been hiding somethign from him. It just never crossed his mind that this was it.

Jeonghan rubbed his temples. There it is again, the intense migraine and the flickering of his eyes. _Not now-- he told himself. Not now._

“So?” Seungcheol looked at him expectantly.

Jeonghan sighed. “Seungcheol what do you want me to say? I told you everything. I’ve given most of my years to this group and I loved every single one of them. But I’m doing this for myself this time. I need this. So just let me go.” Seungcheol finally stopped pacing around and he looked at Jeonghan, and the latter knew, this time, it’s not S Coups the leader who’s looking at him, it’s Seungcheol- the love of his life.

“Jeonghan..” Seungcheol called out-- almost pleading. “Jeonghan please don’t.” his voice almost cracked. Jeonghan knew that was his cue. He has to go out. He cannot see Seungcheol cry. Or he might never be able to go. “I have to go.” he stood up in an instant and made his way to the door.

“Jeonghan.” Seungcheol called out again. This time softer-- but more painful in Jeonghan’s ears. “What about us?” Jeonghan fought the urge to just run to Seungcheol and hug him tight-- to never let him go. But he can’t.

“What about us?” Seungcheol repeated, this time, tears wouldn’t stop running down his cheeks. “I love you.”

Jeonghan remained with his back turned to the leader- holding back his own tears. “You know I did too, Cheol. But I can’t stay. Not for the group-- and not even for you. I have to do this for myself now.” and as he attempted leave once again, Seungcheol caught up to him and hugged him from behind.

“Jeonghan. Please.” the taller man’s tears fell straight to Jeonghan’s shoulder. “Please. Don’t do this. I know I’m difficult. I know the past few months we’re not exactly okay. But I’ll make it up to you. I’ll change if you want me to. I’ll fix whatever’s wrong. Just please don’t leave. Don’t leave me.” This time, Jeonghan could not hold back the tears anymore. Not with Seungcheol crying and his arms wrapped around him. The cold and firm leader was gone-- it’s just the vulnerable Seungcheol now.

Jeonghan knew he has to go now. He has to or he never will. So with one swift motion, he got out of Seungcheol’s hold on him and went straight for the door.

_I’m sorry, Cheol._

Seungcheol slammed on to the floor, clutching his chest. He cried his heart out because at the back of his mind he knew. He knew Jeonghan will never come back.

That was Jeonghan’s first death. 

\--

12.25.2022

“Hyung come out! It’s time to open the gifts!” Seungkwan banged on his door. Seungcheol ignored him and just laid there eagle-spread on his bed-- their bed. It has only been a few days since Jeonghan moved out. He wasn’t even home when it happened. He just came home to a suffocating silence and empty closets. That night, Seungcheol cried himself to sleep. He didn’t even get to say goodbye, their last conversation being that of when they were in the conference room. He tried calling too, but Jeonghan never picked up. He really did leave.

“Hyung! We’re all waiting for you!” This time is was Chan. “Please, it’s Christmas.”

Christmas. Seungcheol closed his eyes. He cannot even bring himself to utter those words. It tasted bitter. He only knew Christmas with Jeonghan. He always wakes up early on Christmas day. Often at dawn he would stock up the Christmas treee with gifts he had hidden from the members. Most of the time they’re small, naughty gifts. Everybody loved it. Seungcheol especially loved it when one Christmas morning, he looked for his gift and found it in the inner most part of the tree. It was only a small box.

When he opened it, he found it weird that there was nothing inside. Just a small paper cut out with the word _YES_. Seungcheol was confused. What does it even mean? So he went back to their room and asked Jeonghan about it. However, the moment he finished asking the question, Jeonghan threw a pillow at his face and stormed out. Seungcheol grew even more confused. What has gotten into the younger man?

Jeonghan avoided him all day, looking all sulky next to Jisoo. It wasn’t until they returned to their dorm after a busy day out that he was able to corner Jeonghan and finally ask him about it again. Jeonghan had then blushed profusedly. Seungcheol found it cute. But when Jeonghan had finally told him what that one word meant, Seungcheol could not contain his joy.

Jeonghan had finally agreed to be with him.

Seungcheol found himself crying again. Recalling everything-- every word that’s been said, the touches they shared. He’ll never forget Jeonghan’s face as they both came undone for the first time that night. It was innocent, messy and all sorts explorative, but it was the best. Everything about that night was perfect.

But now, Jeonghan is gone. Seungcheol will never be able to see his face everytime he wakes up. And no one will put small, naughty gifts under the Christmas tree.

\--

01-12-2023

“Say the Name! Hello! We are Seventeen!” Seungcheol led the greeting as he always does. It’s their first showcase for their comeback. Everything happened in a blur ever since Jeonghan had left. They opted to not make any revisions to the actual track and music video. They chose to keep Jeonghan’s parts, even highlighting him more often on the music video. It’s a way to assure fans, that Jeonghan had not left permanently. That he’s only on a break. But Seungcheol knew better.

Their song was mellow and mellow had always fitted Jeonghan’s voice perfectly. So when his part came, Seungcheol turned his head away from the fans so they wont see the tears forming in his eyes.

It was the first time he’s head Jeonghan’s parts. He refused to listen to it while recording and he hasn’t seen the music video in its entirety. Jihoon threw a fit then, saying how he’s being unprofessional and that he learn to separate his personal life from work.

They fought that time. He was hurt that Jihoon could not understand his pain. But he knew Jihoon was just worried for the group. That night, they talked and Jihoon told him, “Let’s just finish this. Once we’re done with the promotions, I’ll come and cry with you. Because damn, I miss Jeonghan-hyung too.”

And that was the moment Seungcheol realized, that everybody else is stepping up to fill in for him.

\--

05-26-2023

They have all gathered for their usual v-live session to celebrate their anniversary. Seungcheol was the last to show up having came from a meeting with the vice-president. He’s not really in the mood for this- to celebrate, to chit-chat or even smile. But he has to endure.

Seungkwan as always started the ceremony with his usual loud and bubbly self. Seungcheol tried to follow his lead, but he knew himself he looked distressed. Soonyoung, who was on the other side of the table was eyeing him, telling him to get his shit together. Seungcheol tried. So he laughed from time to time because that’s the best he can do.

He couldn’t help but to wish for this to finish fast. He’s rather sulk in his room for the remainder of the day than socialize and pretend he’s interested in anything other than to drown in his own sorrows.

Feeling boredom creeping up to him, he found the flowers behind them interesting. However he had a double-take when he read a certain name: _From Yoon Jeonghan_

He immediately stood up and read it over and over again in his mind. When it finally sunk in, he pointed at it and screamed, “What the hell was that?!” The boys looked up at him, confused on what brought on his outburst. So they all turned to see and immediately knew what caused it.

Seungkwan as the first to react and immediately lughed off Seungcheol’s attitude. However when he saw Seungcheol walked around the couch and towards the flower, he stood up and panicked and ended the vlive promptly.

Seungcheol touched the sash that came with the flower, “From Yoon Jeonghan??” then he scoffed. “What? He’s sending flowers now?” Seungcheol started laughing. The members kept exchanging looks, uncertain as to how to contain their leader. Seungcheol continued laughing until he suddenly pulled on the sash, making the flower stand fall forward.

There were loud gasps all over the studio, panic in everybody’s eyes. “Hyung.” Mingyu called out, raising his hand up front and reaching out for their leader.

“That fucking jerk! Sending flowers for what?! To congratulate us?! Where does he get the nerve to do this?! Tell me!” Seungcheol shouted at the top of his lungs. Jisoo and Jun stepped forward. “Hyung, please get yourself together.” Jun said quietly when he got near him.

Seungcheol threw the sash. “Seungcheol, come with me.” Jisoo looked at Seungcheol and then at Jun and the latter just nodded. Jisoo grabbed Seungcheol’s wrist and dragged him with him, bowing his head to the staffs along the way to apologize for the leader’s behavior.

Seungcheol did not question Jisoo on where he’s taking him. Not until he found himself standing at the middle of the park near their dorm.

“You can’t be serious, Jisoo. You know what this place means to me..”

Jisoo faced him, “I know. This is Jeonghan’s favorite park. This is where you first held hands. This is also where Jeonghan told me he likes you. But Seungcheol, you cannot breakdown all the time at the first sight of something that reminds you of him. What you did back there-- that’s unacceptable. We’ve all been tiptoeing around you because we know you’re hurting you. But you cannot do something as risky as that. We were doing a live for God’s sake! You of all people know how much damage control the company has to do to contain that.” and Jisoo was right. Slowly, his actions started to sink in to Seungcheol. He immediately regretted his outburst. “Seungcheol, I know you’re hurting. We are too. More than you think we are. But please, you have to pull yourself together and move on. For the group, for the fans. We need you now more than ever.” Jisoo continued.

Seungcheol felt overwhelmed. He’s a huge mix of emotions right now. From anger to regret and longing. He felt them all and he could not deal with them gushing all at once. He lost control of his body and his knees gave in. Jisoo held him by the shoulders. “It fucking hurts, Jisoo. It hurts and it won’t stop.”

Jisoo leaned in to hug him. Jisoo never hugs anyone. He’s not affectionate like Seungkwan or Mingyu….. or Jeonghan. But he hugged Seungcheol. “Let it all out tonight, Seungcheol. I’m here. Cry all you want. But you have to promise me tomorrow, you’ll start trying to move on.”

And that Seungcheol did. They stayed in the park until 5am. He cried his heart out to Jisoo. And Jisoo cried too. He misses his bestfriend too.

But when Seungcheol showed up for work that day, everyone noticed a little of the leader they once knew had come back.

\---

09-13-2023

A letter came in for Seungcheol today. It was a summon from the army. The date of his enlistment is finally set.

_October 4, 2023_

Seungcheol felt the need to chuckle upon reading the date. How ironic. It’s Jeonghan’s birthday.

\--

12-24-2023

It’s his first Christmas away from the members. Earlier today he was able to call them to greet and ask about them. Seungcheol almost teared up. He missed the boisterous bunch.

But most of all, he missed Jeonghan. No one has heard from him since he left. Seungcheol wonders if he’s already enlisted too.

\--

08-08-2024

He was allowed to go out for his birthday today. It was a reward given by his commanding officer for his exemplary performance. He first went to visit his family but ultimately ended up in their dorms. No one was home when he got there, and he found weird that most of their stuff are packed in boxes. While waiting for the members to come home, he decided he’ll stay inside his old bedroom.

It felt weird being there. Somehow it was familiar- yet foreign. It was obvious no one had been sleeping there, evidenced by the dust collecting on the shelves and on top of the desk.

He sat on the bed-- on Jeonghan’s side. He ran his hand along the creased duvet. This was Jeonghan’s favorite. Seungcheol couldn’t help but to smile bitterly. It’s been almost 2 years and he still hasn’t moved on completely. That long and he’s still pining over someone who obviously doesn’t care about him anymore. Jeonghan never even called him.

Seungcheol just sat there, tons of memories flooded his mind. He couldn’t even bring himself to cry anymore. He feels numb. Months of crying himself to sleep had rendered him numb.

It wasn’t until he heard loud chatters ouside the room that he decided to stand up. The whole bunch was surprised and they all came running towards him. Chan cried and they all teased him. Seungcheol, for the first time, felt a little teary-eyed too. Chan was their baby. And now he’s all grown up.

He also found out that the reaosn why they are packing up was because they’re due to move to a larger dorm. For Seungcheol it was bittersweet. Moving meant that he can no longer revisit their memories in that old room.

That night they drunk their hearts out. Seungcheol, for the first time in a while, felt happiness in his heart.

\--

06-15-2025

Seungcheol is relieved from his military duties today. It came a little early. He was supposed to be dismissed on August but he was recommended for early dismissal by his commanding officer for being the most outstanding on the troop. Seungcheol is happy. He loved being in the army but he is so eager to perform again.

He cleared the rest of his requirements and grabbed his bag. He readied himself for the media. Once he stepped out, he was bombarded by the unending flash of cameras. His eyes squinted. It has really been a while and it seems like he has to get used to this again. He gave a brief speech and bowed politely. He was then instructed to go to his second greeting spot and the moment he saw his members in line, waiting for him there, he dropped his bag and ran to them. They all hugged. It was weird for a while, because only Jisoo, Jun, Minghao, Seungkwan, Vernon and Dino were present. The rest of them were still active on duty.

It was a very heart-warming sight. 7 fully grown men jumping and hugging each other with no care in the world whatsoever. They shortly broke the huge embrace as Seungcheol had to give another speech. They left after and headed back to their dorm to celebrate. It was Seungcheol’s first time to see the new dorm. It was spacious-- _too spacious._ Especially now that almost half of them are gone.

Seungcheol missed hanging out with his brothers. True enough he made some great friends inside the army but nothing beats the warmth of being surrounded by his family. He cannot wait for them to be complete again-- _although minus one._

That night ended with everybody but Seungcheol and Jisoo sprawled on the floor drunk on their asses.

“So…” Seungcheol started. Jisoo chuckled. He already knows what Seungcheol will ask. So he replied, “No, I haven’t.”

“Not even once?” Seungcheol prodded.

Jisoo shook his head. “Nope. Not even once. I don’t even know where he lives now.”

“You would tell me right? If ever..” Seungcheol sipped on his beer.

Jisoo did too. “Yep. If ever..”

And Seungcheol trusted Jisoo. Until that fateful day, when he decided to hang at Jisoo’s room and wait for him there. It’s always been their habit to check each other’s things, so it was a no-brainer that Seungcheol went through what’s on top of Jisoo’s desk.

It was mostly just magazines and random notes. But then one envelope caught his attention. Korea University Hannam Hospital. Seugncheol frowned. Is Jisoo sick?

So he opened it. And immediately almost dropped it.

_Patient: Yoon Jeonghan._

_Diagnosis: Brain Tumour / Unspecified Glioma_

And Seungcheol felt his world collapse around him.


	2. I DONT WANT TO GO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Year 2022. Jeonghan shocks everyone with his decision to take a break indefinitely. 3 years later, Seungcheol finds out why.
> 
> PART 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided this will be a three-part series. 
> 
> Still for Beka. <3 Ily carat-unnie
> 
> Also for my best girls, and the best mom. Because life would seriously suck without them.

01-03-2022

Jeonghan felt his world spin.

_Literally._

Next thing he knows, he’s on the floor with the members around him.

“Hyung, are you okay?!” Chan was all over him.

“That was a bad fall hyung, do you need to go to the clinic?” Minghao suggested.

Jeonghan shook his head to dismiss the idea, and also to shake off his disorientation. “I’m okay, I just lost my balance, that’s all.” He assured everyone and they all went back to practice.

_It must be the vertigo_ , Jeonghan thought.

03-24-2021

It was getting worse.

He’s never had nausea this bad. His eyes feel heavy all the time. He’s loosing appetite.

“I’ll cook for you, Hannie. What do you want?” Seungcheol offered one time after they got home from practice. Jeonghan knew the other man is exhausted, he is too. But he’s been prodding at him for not eating properly lately, so to satisfy Seungcheol, Jeonghan agreed, “Just some ramen will do.”

Seungcheol cooked happily for him. He spoke about their upcoming music- on how much contribution he’s made this time and how for sure their new release will allow them a bigger market. Jeonghan always loved it when Seungcheol tells him everything. The older man talks in a very animated way and would often be laughing more than actually talking. Jeonghan had always found Seungcheol’s laugh endearing. It was unique and homey and familiar-- much like Seungcheol.

That night, Jeonghan tried his best to eat a lot. And when he finished his ramen, Seungcheol gave him a kiss. “I’d cook for you all the time if it meant you’d finish your food every single time.”

Jeonghan liked that idea. That night, he slept full and contented in Seungcheol’s arms-- his nausea long forgotten.

05-26-2022

Today is their 7th year anniversary. Jeonghan was really excited. He had all this idea on what to do for their anniversary special but he found himself nailed to his own bed. It just keeps on getting worse and worse. Seungcheol has been telling him to have his check up but their schedule hasn’t really been cooperating. They’re working so hard for their pending album and their every day is jampacked.

Today, however, although he tried, he just really couldn’t. Even sitting down sends him in a frenzy. He can’t open his eyes much because any bright light hurts his eyes like hell.

But he really wanted to at least show up for their fans, so he asked Seungcheol if they can maybe videocall while the live is on going. Jeonghan endured the sting form his eyes when he opened his phone. The live just started.

Seungkwan and Seokmin opened the show, being the MCs as usual. They explained why Jeonghan couldn’t make it, saying he has a fever. _Fever_ \-- Jeonghan bit his lip. How he wishes it’s just really that. Jeonghan knew that the other reason why he’s been putting off check up is because deep down, he knew something’s wrong. And it’s not just the vertigo anymore.

Jeonghan’s thoughts were cut off when his phone suddenly rang. It’s Seungcheol.

So he fixed himself a bit and put on his brightest smile before answering the video call.

“Ahh!! There he is! There’s Jeonghan!” Seungcheol cheered. Jeonghan laughed at the way everybody tried to squeeze in to fit in the frame.

“Hyung! How’s your beauty sleep?” Seungkwan teased. Jeonghan just kept laughing. How he wishes he could join them.

“Jeonghannie-hyung! Say some messages for our fans who’s been looking for you since we started.” Seokmin urged him.

Jeonghan cleared his throat and tried opening his eyes bigger so he wouldn’t look too sick. “Caratdeul~ I’m sorry I’m not able to join the members in the studio today. I wasn’t feeling well today that’s why I stayed back at the dorm. I’m much better now though! Maybe I just really needed some additional beauty rest.” he joked then continued, “Everyone, from the bottom of my heart, I’d like to thank you for staying with us for this long. For choosing us to be your idols. It’s a cliche saying this but we really started low, and we didn’t know what to do. We were full of uncertainties, but all your love made us stronger and we were able to hold on. Now that we’re on our 7th year, I hope that you all stay with us for even longer. We’ll do out best to repay your affections and support. I’ll see you all again with a better and healthier version of me. Caratdeul~ I love you!” then he winked and made a heart sign with his fingers. The members all cheered for him and they shouted how much they all love him and that he should get better soon. Seungcheol just stared right at him, with that huge proud smile.

“Okay, now we have to say goodbye to Jeonghannie-hyung~” Seungkwan announced, “Jeonghanni-hyung you can now go back to being a sloth~” everybody laughed. Jeonghan waved at the camera, scrunching up his nose, hoping nobody would notice the tears forming in his eyes. And then the call got cut.

Jeonghan then closed his eyes, feeling relief from straining them, but the tears he’s holding back fell and damped his temples. Jeonghan hoped-- no, prayed, that he will never have to do that again. He prayed that there wont be a time that he won’t be able to join the rest of the members again- prayed that he will never have to watch them on his phone or television again.

He prayed so hard that night. _Please let me stay with them for a long long time._

08-04-2020

Seungcheol is being an ass. He has been for the last two weeks or so. Jeonghan hated it when he’s being difficult. He’s grumpy, bossy and mean. Usually, Jeonghan would call him out, but today’s not his best day and honestly, he doesn’t have the energy to argue.

“Jeonghan, don’t slack off!” Seungcheol growled. Jeonghan wasn’t slacking off. He’s lazy, but he never slacks off. Seungcheol knows that. So Jeonghan just shrugs it off and continues with the dance routine. But he feels another sharp pain in his temple and his misses a beat.

“Jeonghan!” Seungcheol was fuming. They’ve been at it for 4 hours already and he’s the only one who keeps messing up. He mumbles a quiet apology and shakes his head, praying his headache would go away.

“Hyung, are you okay? Do you need to rest?” Wonwoo asked and Seungcheol heard. “Rest?! That’s all he’s been doing! Rest! That’s why we’re so behind with our schedule!” And even Seungcheol knew he crossed a line after saying that. The members were shocked. Jisoo was glaring at him. Jeonghan didn’t say anything. He understands Seungcheol’s frustration. He’s frustrated at himself too.

Seungcheol excused himself. The members flocked to Jeonghan. Practice did not resume because Seungcheol did not go back.

That night, Jeonghan was first to lie down in their bed. He’s about to fall asleep when he heard the door open and then close. Seungcheol is finally home.

He fought the urge to turn around and welcome him, because as much as he understood the leader, he was hurt too. Seungcheol knew he’s not in the best condition. Jeonghan pretended to be asleep.

The bed dipped on Seungcheol’s side and Jeonghan felt an arm snaking around his waist. “Hannie..” it was almost a whisper. Then Seungcheol nuzzled his nose on the space between Jeonghan’s shoulder and neck. “Hannie, I’m sorry.”

Jeonghan stayed still, eyes still closed. “I’m sorry for hurting you. I didn’t mean to..” Seungcheol whispered- aware that Jeonghan is faking sleep. “I’m just too worked up. I want to be better. I just want to be better for the members. But I was too hard on you.”

This time, Jeonghan couldn’t contain the tears flowing down his face. He found Seungcheol’s hand, held it and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I know.” he said, his voice broke.

“Please don’t cry Hannie. I’m really sorry. I’ll be better. For you and everybody else.” Seungcheol promised. Jeonghan shook his head slightly and told him, “You don’t have to be. At least not with me. I love you, Cheol. I love you the way you are. We just had a bad day, that’s all.”

“You’re not mad?” Seungcheol looked at him.

“Well I was. But I remember your birthday is days away and I don’t want to be mad at you on your birthday because then I wont be able to give you the best gift ever.” Jeonghan teased and now Seungcheol is hugging him tight with both arms giggling like a 5 year old.

They teased each other for a while until Seungcheol said, “Please go see a doctor already okay? Promise me you won’t forget.”

Jeonghan was able to give Seungcheol the best gift ever, however, he did forget to see the doctor.

11-18-2022

Jeonghan was never the weak kid. In fact, he’s super physical most sports club in his old school wanted him to join. He had the talent but he was however, lazy to show up for practices and is always the first one to tap out at games. It wasn’t like he really is out of energy, he just didn’t like the feeling of getting too exhausted. That’s why it was weird that he wanted to be an idol. He knew how tough the practices will be. He knew he’d be spending all his days and nights inside a cramped room, doing the same routines over and over again. What’s weirder is that he liked it.

The fans have labeled him “low-stamina”, but Jeonghan was never that. He’s not weak, not sickly and have never been admitted to a hospital.

Well, not until today happened.

They were given a few days off and Jeonghan went home to his family. Seungcheol wanted to go together but he urged the leader to come see his own given that they’re together most days anyway. Going home felt weird at first. The silence, clean house and abundant home-cooked meals. Their dorm was never quiet, never clean but did have lots of home-cooked meals but it always runs out faster than it was made. Jeonghan liked this environment-- maybe even needed it. It helped clear his mind and for the days he’s here, he barely had any episode of headache or nausea. Jeonghan had then decided that he will come home more often.

Jeonghan liked how peaceful it is at home. Until he vision spun and everything went black.

He woke up to a deafening silence. He frowned-- this isn’t his room? Wait-- is this… is this a hospital? He didn’t have any idea, he’s never seen the insides of a hospital room.

Just then, his mom entered and her eyes widened and she called out to his dad which in turn called out to the nurse. “My son is awake!”

His mom was crying-- shaking violently and had him embraced in the tightest hug he’s ever been. “Wait-- mom.. what’s wrong?”

His mom couldn’t say anything. So his father told him, “Jeonghan you collapsed! We found you on the floor.” his father was shaking and crying too, he was never like that. Jeonghan had never seeN him like that. He’s always calm.

“Mom… Dad, please, stop crying. I’m okay… I just.. Maybe I was just tired.” he tried to lighten up the mood. The nurse suddenly came and his father had to force his mom to let go of him so they can check on him.

“The doctor will be here in a bit. He’s ordered for some tests but he said he’ll have a word with you first.”

Jeonghan just nodded. And as if on cue, the doctor entered the room with a small smile.

“Alright, Jeonghan. First things first, when did the dizziness start?” the doctor asked and Jeonghan replied in detail, even saying he had a similar condition way back 2019. The doctor asked for more information, specifically pertaining to his nausea and if this was the first time he collapsed.

Jeonghan answered everything truthfully. “It’s nothing serious right, doctor?” he asked.

The doctor pressed his lips in a thin line. “We’ll have to proceed with the tests to find out. For now, I really cannot give an initial diagnosis. I want to be sure first.” then the doctor wasted no time in giving the nurses the intructions. Jeonghan spent the day being brought to different rooms for the tests, a lot of blood drawn and by now he’s feeling a little light-headed.

When that night ended, he only had one wish to his parents. “Please don’t tell Seungcheol.”

12-10-2022

The day Jeonghan feared has come.

_Brain tumour._

It failed to register on him the first time the doctor said it. And he found himself confused on why his mother is crying so hard, clutching onto him.

_Brain tumour._

Jeonghan wanted to laugh.

_Brain tumour._

He just wanted to be successful with Seventeen. To provide for his family.

_Brain tumour._

He just wanted to be with Seungcheol.

12-15-2022

They had already explored all options possible. Jeonghan felt hopeless. It’s either he quits permanently or he goes on a long and indefinite hiatus. Whichever he decides upon, will mostly have the same outcome.

He sat in the meeting room with the Pledis higher-ups and their managers. He didn’t exactly paid attention to what they were saying. He just stared at a single picture frame hanging across the room.

_13 goofy boys._

They’re all that mattered to him. And now he has to go.

12-18-2022

Jeonghan knew Seungcheol will take it the worst. He hadn’t said anything to him about his condition at all. And all they did was fight the last few weeks. Seungcheol had been very snappy and Jeonghan most of the time withdrawn. Communication was lost.

Jeonghan hated himself for leaving Seungcheol crying. Hated himself for lying.

He dragged himself to their dorm right after, wanting to get this done and over with. He took all his clothes, all his belongings and stuffed them inside his luggages. Being in their room felt suffocating, he could smell Seungcheol everywhere. All he wants it to lie down and wait for Seungcheol to come home so they can snuggle. But they can never do that again.

So he hurried, before any of the members came back. He was out in 30 minutes. The only part left of him are the tears that fell down on their bedroom floor. And maybe his heart too.

12-30-22

Jeonghan wanted to call Seungcheol today. He had the biggest urge on Christmas day and everyday it gets harder.

Jeonghan decided it’s best to delete Seungcheol’s number.

Although he has it memorized anyway.

01-04-23

He had to do a biopsy today. It wasn’t painful. It was done microscopically. But Jeonghan is growing tired of seeing the hospital already.

01-15-23

They got the result of the biopsy today. It crushed him.

_Patient: Yoon Jeonghan._

_Diagnosis: Brain Tumour / Unspecified Glioma_

02-22-23

Jeonghan cried for the first time since he found out he’s sick. He’s sore all over. He’s nausea is driving him off the cliff and he’s so so bored.

_I miss you, Cheol._

05-16-2023

Today, he applied for Military Exception. It was granted almost instantly.

05-26-2023

“Seungcheol threw a fit today.” Jisoo said over the phone. Jeonghan closed his eyes. He shouldn’t have sent those stupid flowers.

“Please hug him for me, Jisoo.” Jeonghan said before ending the call.

08-08-2023

_Happy birthday, Cheol. I miss you. I love you._

10-24-2023

Jeonghan had his first seizure today. It was scary. But he couldn’t show how scared he was because of his mom. So instead he said, “Mom, I’m okay. It’s just like getting the chills.” although it’s really not.

12-25-2023

“How is he doing?” Jeonghan asked.

There was a pause in the line, “He’s okay. Still adjusting.” Jisoo replied.

“I want to see him. So bad.” Jeonghan whined softly- not really having the strength be more energetic.

“So heal fast! Then I’ll be the one to personally deliver him to you.” Jisoo teased. But it was more serious than that. That is their single silent prayer-- for Jeonghan to recover.

03-04-2024

Treatments were harsh today. It caused Jeonghan to vomit a lot. That night, he stared at his ring-- the one given to them and said, “Please let me survive this.”

06-19-2024

_Cheol, I just want to give up. I just want them to stop poking needles and waking me up when I’m sleeping._

_I want them to stop and just bring me to you, Cheol. You’re my medicine._

01-01-2025

Jeonghan felt a little better today. So he let Jisoo see him.

It’s their first time seeing each other since he he took a break. When Jisoo saw him, he just went straight to him and hugged him and cried, “Oh Jeonghan.” he cried so much.

Jeonghan knew why. He looked sick-- well he is sick, but, he looked it. He’s thinner, hollowed-face and has hideous eyebags.

That day they caught up. Jisoo had a lot of stories. He said the dorm felt weird with half of them gone. And how he boasted about being the “leader” now that the three leaders are all serving in the military. “I get to boss around now.” Jisoo grinned. “I think I’ll boss Seungcheol around when he gets back too.”

Jeonghan liked having Jisoo around. It allows him comfort and a little bit of his glory days. Having Jisoo there gave him strength. So he allowed Jisoo to come more often.

03-22-2025

_Cheol, I love you._

06-16-2025

Jeonghan stared out the window. Such a good weather today. He smiles as he gets excited for Jisoo to arrive. Jisoo always takes him out for a walk.

_No matter how much you hide it_ _  
_ _You know you can't hide it forever_ _  
_ _So we can smile together_ _  
_ _Don't be sorry, don't worry_ _  
_ _Don't be scared, now don't cry_

He sang the lyrics to their song ‘Hug’. It always brings him comfort.

Jeonghan stared at the clock. _3:00 PM_. He frowned. Jisoo is late. He’s never late. He always comes at 2pm. Jeonghan is getting impatient. He has a lot to talk to Jisoo about. Seungcheol has returned from his duty. Jeonghan has so many questions.

Jeonghan decided it’s time to call Jisoo. So he turned to the bedside table to get his phone. And then, the door flung open.

_“Seungcheol.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im not sure i'm able to portray the hurt that i was going for. So sorry if it was lacking :(( As for the disease itself, i actually made a lot of research, but decided i wont get too detailed/graphic because i dont want everyone to have the visuals. :( 
> 
> next part would be the last part. 
> 
> Please let me know your thoughts. Kudos and comments would be lovely. :)


	3. PLEASE STAY WITH ME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Year 2022. Jeonghan shocks everyone with his decision to take a break indefinitely. 3 years later, Seungcheol finds out why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last part.   
> I'm sorry, this might hurt. 
> 
> Still for Beka. <3 
> 
> Also for Eomma, coz she's amazing and supportive and i love her so much.

Jeonghan could not believe his eyes.

He must be seeing things.

Seeing--- _Seungcheol_?

He hope he is.

But he wasn’t.

\--

Seungcheol hoped this was a big joke.

A prank.

He hoped… prayed, even, that he’s dreaming and it’s not Jeonghan standing in front of him-- clad in a hospital gown and thinner than he last saw him.

He prayed this was a dream.

A bad bad dream.

A nightmare.

But it wasn’t.

\--

Jeonghan felt the need to grip the bed railing. Gripped it too hard his fist started turning white.

“Seungcheol..” he finally breathed out. Almost a gasp and it was bittersweet how that name rolled off his tongue. He had longed to call that name. He had missed it.

The older man still stood at the doorway-- gripping the knob probably just how Jeonghan was gripping the railing. He just stood there-- eyes wide, lips parted and hair in a disarray.

“I ran up the stairs.” was Seungcheol’s first words to him.

\--

Seungcheol felt stupid saying that. It wasn’t the plan. He had ran over the words countless times in his head before he went here. But it must be the 12 flights of stairs or maybe seeing Jeonghan again that made him lose his coherence.

He also didn’t know what made him stand in the doorway that long. It must be that he’s catching up his breath or reality sinking in that Jeonghan really is sick.

Seungcheol could not come up with anything else to say. He just stared at Jeonghan and the latter stared back at him-- eyes equally as wide as his. But after a few minutes, Seungcheol knew Jeonghan had finally recovered. Jeonghan is always quick with his feelings. Unlike him.

“Seungcheol.” Jeonghan’s voice registered on him. It was how he remembered it to be-- only a little softer. “ _Cheol_.. come here.” and he saw Jeonghan extend his hand, reaching out to him.

Seungcheol gathered all his strength-- or what’s left of it and walked towards where Jeonghan is. He walked slow, his legs barely supporting his weight. He felt shaky- wobbly. Until he felt Jeonghan’s hand on his, on where it had always belonged.

But holding Jeonghan’s hand wasn’t enough. Seungcheol needed more-- _more Jeonghan_. So he let his hand go and enveloped him in his arms. His heart sank deeper on his chest. Jeonghan felt so frail.

\--

Jeonghan felt his shoulder getting damp and he felt Seungcheol breathing in hard and gasping for air. He’s crying. Jeonghan had always hated it when Seungcheol cries. All the more when he’s the reason behind those tears.

“I hate you..” he heard Seungcheol say. “I hate you so much, Jeonghan.”

At those words, Jeonghan’s tears which he has been holding back had finally fallen. “I’m sorry, Cheol.” was all he could say.

This time Seungcheol pulled away and with shaky hands held Jeonghan’s face. His thumbs wiping away Jeonghan’s tears. When their eyes finally met, this time in such close proximity, Seungcheol knew it was still his Jeonghan that’s there.

Suddenly, loud footsteps-- someone came running to his room. “Jeonghan, Seungcheol knows!” It was Jisoo. He stopped dead on his tracks when he saw Jeonghan in the leader’s arms.

\--

Seungcheol’s blood boiled when he heard Jisoo’s voice. He felt betrayed. He trusted Jisoo. So he looked away. He has so many things to tell him, but he can be dealt with later. Right now, what’s important is Jeonghan in his arms. He’s never letting him go. Never again.

“Ji, it’s okay. We’re okay. Thank you.” Jeonghan smiled at his bestfriend and the latter just nodded before turning around to leave and letting the two go back to their own world.

Seungcheol noted that Jeonghan has been gripping the bed rail hard and he realized it must be because he can’t stand for too long. So reluctantly, he let Jeonghan go and led him to the bed. He was just about to go around to take a seat when Jeonghan tugged on his shirt. “Come Cheol, lay down with me.”

And when they laid side by side, Seungcheol felt his heart thumping so hard against his chest. He’s been dreaming this since the night Jeonghan had moved out. He never thought they’d get to do this again. Never thought he’d have Jeonghan in his arms again.

Jeonghan placed his head on top of Seungcheol’s chest and the steady rise of his chest coupled by the undeniable frantic beating of his heart had Jeonghan saying, “I missed you, Cheol.”

And when Seungcheol heard that, he knew there was no need for a long talk. No need for reconciliation. He gets it. So he nuzzled his nose on Jeonghan’s hair, it still smelled of musk and amber, and he said, “I missed you too.”

They spent that day wrapped in each other’s arms-- just like the old times. And Seungcheol promised that from this day on, he will take care of Jeonghan. He will make up for lost time.

He will love him through the good and bad. And even the in-betweens.

\--

Jeonghan liked having Seungcheol around. He never gets lonely anymore. He started getting back his appetite too. Seungcheol always feeds him, always looks after him. His eyes are always on him. Jeonghan rarely sees him sleep.

But when he does, he stares at Seungcheol the whole time he’s in dreamland. Jeonghan missed watching Seungcheol sleep. His eyes are shut tight, emphasizing those hideously long and thick lashes, his mouth open slightly and the little snores that he makes. Jeonghan loved them all. He wouldn’t trade this for the world-- not even for his life.

\--

_Unfair._

That’s how Seungcheol sees it.

Unfair because he felt like the years took away his opportunity to look after Jeonghan. Or maybe I was that stupid tumour that took away Jeonghan from him.

So he’s trying to make up for lost time. He had told the CEO he will be taking a break. Nevermind his solo debut, all that matters is Jeonghan.

“Cheol?” he heard the younger man call out.

Seungcheol is beside him in an instant. “What is it, Hannie? Sorry, I thought you were sleeping.”

“It’s alright. You don’t have to be by my side at all times.” Jeonghan smiled at him.

“But your doctor specifically said that your meds should be ‘round-the-clock. I’m one of your meds. That means I have to be by your side 24/7.” Even Seungcheol cringed at his own cheesy line. But the hell he cares, it made Jeonghan laugh.

When his laughter died down, Jeonghan asked, “Have you talked to Jisoo?”

Seungcheol then looked away, not exactly up for this talk.

“Cheol..” Jeonghan said in his reprimanding voice. “You have to let it go. I made him do it.”

“I know. But I’m still pissed about it. I trusted him. I thought we shared the same pain.”

Jeonghan held his hand, “You did. He probably had it worse. Because he knew about me and couldn’t tell you. He wanted to-- lots of times. But I talked him out of it. He was stuck in the middle-- pretty much like when we were kids and we would fight and he would be the one to patch us up.”

Seungcheol didn’t say anything and just held Jeonghan’s hand.

“So talk to him, okay? Let it go. He’s a great friend.” Jeonghan said.

Seungcheol knew that about Jisoo. He’s always been a great friend. Often times, he would even think that he doesn’t deserve his friendship. But Jisoo gave it to him anyway.

So that night, Jeonghan convinced him to return to the dorm and talk to Jisoo. The latter bawled in their embrace. He felt relieved to finally tell Seungcheol everything. After they talked, Seungcheol hugged Jisoo again and said, “Thank you for taking care of Jeonghan.” and Jisoo just smiled.

\--

Jeonghan is beyond ecstatic. The doctor said his scans are showing improvements. He’s finally getting better! With the fluttering bliss he’s currently feeling, he asked the doctor if he can maybe go home, you know, for some change of environment. The doctor agreed and Jeonghan knew his angel is smiling brightly at him today.

So that afternoon, when Seungcheol arrived, having came from a meeting, he delivered the good news and some more. “What do you think about going on a trip?”

He saw Seungcheol hesitate. “Is it even safe?”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine. I just need to be extra careful. No unecessary activites.” Jeonghan encouraged. He hopes Seungcheol agrees.

Jeonghan’s eyes lit up when he saw Seungcheol grin, “So where do you want to go?” and they talked over dinner about their destination.

Jeonghan could not wait. He will keep on taking. He’ll make the most of every moment. He’ll take whatever he can get.

\--

Jeonghan is over the moon. The day of their trip had finally arrived. He made sure he ate well, rested well and looked healthy enough for this trip. He glanced at Seungcheol who’s currently busy packing up. “Cheol, let’s go already~” he whined.

Seungcheol shushes him. “Wait, I’m going over it again. I can’t miss any of your meds.”

“You went though them five times already! I’m sure you didn’t miss anything. We’re wasting so much time.”

Seungcheol looked over their things one last time, before finally zipping up the luggage and putting it down on the floor. “Alright alright, let’s go. You’re still as impatient as ever.” he muttered the last sentence under his breath, but Jeonghan heard him anyway.

“You love me though~” he sing-sang. Seungcheol just chuckled because Jeonghan is right.

\--

Seungcheol suggested they go to Paju-- which is only an hour ofdrive away from Seoul. Jeonghan had wanted to go somewhere further, but Seungcheol explained it’s not ideal. His body wont be able to take the stress of a long drive. So in the end, Jeonghan agreed. After all, it’s never the destination, it’s the person you’re with.

“Just sleep whenever you feel like it, okay?” Seungcheol said as he started driving. Jeonghan just hummed in response. While driving, Seungcheol would rest his available hand on top of Jeonghan’s leg, like he had always done back then. This action always puts a huge smile on Jeonghan’s face.

Seungcheol drived happily. A wide grin plastered on his lips. He glanced at the younger man on the passenger seat and for a second, their eyes met. He mouthed _‘I love you_.’ and Jeonghan blushed the lightest shade of pink.

Seungcheol is happy. It’s just like when they were young and would often go for drives late in the evening. It’s exactly this feeling. And Seungcheol hoped it wouldn’t go away.

\--

Jeonghan found the bed comfortable. They had rented a small BnB on one of the quieter side of Paju. It was the perfect place for them to stay. Nothing grand, just the right amount of homey. Jeonghan giggled, he had missed playing house with Seungcheol.

“Cheol stop obsessing over my medicine and come to bed with me.” Jeonghan said, propping his head with his hand as he turned to the side.

Seungcheol groaned. “I’m not obsessing! I just want to be on top of things.”

Seungcheol was all over the place and had failed to see the quirk on Jeonghan’s eyebrow. “So~ you’d rather be on top of that or _on top of me_?”

Seungcheol choked. He looked at Jeonghan in complete disbelief. Jeonghan did his signature wink-- the one where his nose scrunches as he closes one of his eye.

“Don’t tempt me, Hannie. We _can’t_.”

Jeonghan pouted. “What do you mean we can’t?”

“You heard the doctor, no streinous activities.”

“But I won’t be strained. Because you’ll do all the work, _right_?” Jeonghan wanted to laugh deviously when he saw Seungcheol go in 4 types of emotion in a span of 10 seconds.

But Seungcheol shook his head furiously. “No! That’s final.”

Jeonghan pouted some more. And then smiled. Because he knew, sooner or later, Seungcheol will give in and Jeonghan had made that his mission for their entire trip.

\--

Seungcheol will lose his mind. That much, he’s sure. Jeonghan had been teasing him since they arrived. They’re on their third night now and Jeonghan hasn’t given up. Seungcheol is worried. He doesn’t have much fight in him. So he told Jeonghan, “Hannie I swear if you don’t stop with whatever you’re trying to do, I will take you right where you’re standing.”

Seungcheol knew Jeonghan had claimed victory as he took his sweat pants off and made his way to their bed.

_Fuck restraint_ , Seungcheol’s mind short-circuited and next thing he knows, he’s on top of Jeonghan already.

Jeonghan squealed when Seungcheol finally claimed his lips. They kissed hungrily, passionately, pouring all those years of longing into that deep kiss. This---- this is what they had waited for all this time.

Seungcheol kissed the younger man all over, but when he tried to lift Jeonghan’s shirt up, he stopped him. “I-- is it okay if we don’t take it off?” Seungcheol found it weird.

\--

Jeonghan gripped Seungcheol’s hand. As much as he wanted to feel every inch of Seungcheol’s skin, he’s afraid once Seungcheol sees his torso, he’d stop. He has bruises all over and he’s too thin one can easily make out his ribs. Jeonghan didn’t tell Seungcheol the reason and he’s glad when the older man dropped it and continued the attack on his neck instead.

Jeonghan clung onto Seungcheol, but he noticed that the other man is trying so hard to support his own weight. “Cheol… come closer..” he urged.

Seungcheol did. But Jeonghan still wanted more. “Cheol I swear if you don’t come closer I will flip us over and I’ll do this my way. Hold me. It’s not like I’ll break.”

Seungcheol was hesitant but Jeonghan assured him it’s fine.

They continued their heated exchange, hot messy kisses, hands all over. And when Seungcheol finally pushed into Jeonghan, the latter felt a single tear escape his eye. Not because of the pain-- but out of sheer happiness and contentment.

\--

Seungcheol watched Jeonghan’s chest as it rose and fell to the rhythm of his breathing. The past few weeks had all been but a blur and he regretted not taking it much slower-- to savor each and every moment with Jeonghan.

So he watched, for hours, as Jeonghan slept peacefully next to him. Until now, even after everything that’s been said and done, he still considers himself the luckiest person, to be able to love and be loved by the most ethereal being, the kindest and most compassionate one. The one who loved wholly and unconditionally. He thanked the heavens he’s got Jeonghan.

So when Jeonghan finally woke up, confused to see a teary-eyed Seungcheol next to him, the older man said, “Please Jeonghan, don’t ever leave me again.”

Jeonghan hugged him so tight. That morning was spent with them on the bed, cuddling till they fell asleep again.

Seungcheol prayed this would last.

But it didn’t.

Because that afternoon, after he went out to buy some food, he came back to find Jeonghan convulsing on the floor.

\--

Seungcheol paced outside the operating room. It’s been seven hours. Still no update on Jeonghan.

_“Please God, not now. Please. I just got him back.”_ Seungcheol muttered like a mantra.

Then the door flung open. Seungcheol hurried to the doctor.

“Jeonghan is stable for now, there was a small clot in his brain. We were able to take it out, but there’s a huge chance of reoccurence. I’m sorry but we cannot let him go home after this. He needs close monitoring.”

“When can I see him, doctor?” Seungcheol has been dying to ask the doctor that question.

“We have to bring him first to the recovery room, if he stabilizes some more, then we can bring him to his room.”

Seungcheol had to wait another 6 hours to see Jeonghan.

\--

“When will he wake up?” he asked the nurse for the umpteenth time.

The nurse glances on her wristwatch. “The anesthesia will start to wear off any minute now so he should wake up pretty soon.”

Soon meant an hour and a half. When Jeonghan regained his consciousness, he saw Seungcheol smiling widely with tearful eyes. “Welcome back, Angel. I missed you.”

“W-what… happened?” Jeonghan was groggy.

“You were asleep for a long time.” Seungcheol didn’t feel the need to elaborate in fear of scaring Jeonghan so he’s happy when the younger didn’t push on.

\--

Jeonghan is bored.

The doctor really wouldn’t let him go home.

Stupid boring hospitals, he cursed under his breath.

But then something caught his eyes. There’s a small head poking by the door.

“ _Appa_?” came the little voice. And then the kid made its way to him.

Jeonghan panicked internally. Whose child is this?!

The little girl looked up to him as he hugged Jeonghan’s leg.

“Areum-ah! There you are!” a woman suddenly bursted through the door and went to pick the little girl up. “I’m sorry, she wanders a lot.”

Jeonghan just nodded. “She’s your child?” he had to ask. There was no resemblance.

“Oh no.. I’m a social worker. I’m assigned to handle her case.”

“Oh.” Jeonghan paused, “What happened?” 

“Her parents passed away in a freak car accident. We’ve been trying to contact their relatives but to no avail. No one has claimed her yet, so she stays with me.”

Jeonghan looked at the little girl, his heart hurting more than it should. She’s so beautiful, big expressive eyes, cute little nose and pouty lips. He had always wanted to have his own child. “So what happens…. when no one claims her?” he asked. Out of pure curiosity.

“Well, she goes to an orphanage. Hopefully, a loving couple in search for a blessing finds her and gives her the love and attention she needs.”

The social worker excused herself when her phone rang, Jeonghan just nodded and waved to the little kid.

And since then all he could think about is how his heart thumped so hard when the little girl called him dad.

\--

Loud laughters filled the room.

Seungcheol smiled warmly as Jeonghan cradled Areum in his arms. He liked the way Jeonghan’s eyes lit up as he talked to the little girl.

Jeonghan adored the beautiful kid. He loves spending time with her. Seungcheol realized Jeonghan has been getting too attached to the kid so it wasn’t a surprise to him when one night, Jeonghan had brought up the topic of adoption.

“Are you sure?” Seungcheol had to ask. He had to make sure that Jeonghan is emotionally and mentally ready to start a family.

Jeonghan just smiled at him and Seungcheol knew the answer right away.

\--

Jeonghan was allowed to go home for the holidays. They had leased up an apartment near the hospital to be their temporary home while the house Seungcheol purchased for them is being made.

The adoption claim on Areum has finally been approved. To Jeonghan, It was the best Christmas gift ever.

“Areum-ah~ come open your gifts!” Jeonghan excitedly yelled. The little girl came running to him in no time. They sat by the tree and Jeonghan handed his daughter all the presents they got for her.

“Pretty!” Areum chirped as she clapped her small hands. Jeonghan giggled. “Of course! Like you!” and he bopped her nose.

Jeonghan looked up to find Seungcheol on the couch, staring at them, smile as wide as the horizon. ‘ _I love you_.’ the older man mouthed.

Jeonghan winked again and mouthed ‘ _I love you too_ ’ back to Seungcheol. The latter will never get tired of that wink.

Jeonghan was so happy. They weren’t playing house anymore.

And he hoped they would get to live like this for a long long time.

But fate wasn’t too kind this time.

\--

Seungcheol got home in the early hours of dawn. It was a hectic night back in the studio. All he wanted was to come home to Jeonghan and their daughter.

He was expecting Jeonghan to be asleep, but his heart shrunk when he got to their room and saw Jeonghan-- eyes wide and breathing hard, hands on his head. “ _Who are you_?!” and there was fear in his eyes.

\--

“What Jeonghan experienced is a state of confusion. This is common with patients who have brain tumours. However, we didn’t expect this to show up too soon, not with the last clot just removed a few months ago. So we have to do another scan and see what we can do from there.” the doctor explained.

When the results came, Seungcheol felt his heart constrict.

Jeonghan’s tumour has progressed.

\--

One night, as Jeonghan stared into nothingness, he suddenly said, “I want to sing again.”

Seungcheol was surprised. Is this another one of Jeonghan’s confusions? “What do you mean?” he asked carefully.

“I want to sing again. To stand on the stage. To be surrounded by the members, and you. To have you all around me- doing what we all loved the most.”

Seungcheol leaned closed to Jeonghan, “Hannie..”

“Please Cheol. Please, for the _last time_.” Jeonghan finally looked at him.

“Don’t say that. Don’t you even repeat those words again.” Seungcheol is disheartened. He knew what Jeonghan is implying. “There will be a lot more opportunities in the future. When you heal and get all better. When that day comes, I promise…”

“We both know im not getting any better, Cheol. Please, let’s be realistic and try to accept the fact that I’m dying.”

“Stop! Just stop. Don’t even talk about that.”

“That will be my one last wish, Cheol.” and Jeonghan closed his eyes and went to sleep.

\--

Seungcheol had hoped this day wouldn’t come. He had hoped he can fulfill Jeonghan’s wish under a different circumstance. But here they are, on stage, him behind Jeonghan as he held his wheelchair. He looked at the members, reunited after years of being away. They had requested a special day off for the members still serving in the military. Just so they could all be together-- just as Jeonghan had requested.

“Everyone.. it’s me, Jeonghan. I may look a little different than how you remember me, and I strongly blame my annoying brain tumour for that, but it’s still me.” Jeonghan joked as he looked around. A limited number of fans gathered before him-- bawling their eyes out. “Today, I’m here to join the members once again to sing a song that’s very close to my heart. I’m hoping, even though I lack proper vocals now, that my feelings will still be conveyed to you. I am sorry for the long years of waiting, the uncertainty if I’m coming back or not. I had meant to. But fate has other plans. So tonight, I want to make the most ouf ot this opportunity and sing my heart out to you.”

The beat for Don’t Wanna Cry started.

Everyone was in tears. Everyone except Jeonghan. He was smiling so widely, looking around everyone, even holding Chan’s hand for a while.

####  _‘_ _Saenggakcheoreom mami mareul deutji anheunikka_ _’_

Jeonghan sang his part wonderfully. The members couldn’t hold back their tears. Seungcheol, however, fought it. He looked into Jeonghan’s eyes when he sang, _‘Uri dasi bol ttae.’_

Jeonghan smiled at him, knowing exactly what Seungcheol meant.

When the show finished, Jeonghan spent some time with the members. He’s exhausted but he took his time. He will miss them all. .

Seungcheol took Jeonghan home that night, as per the latter’s request. “I need this time to be alone with you.” Jeonghan had said.

“Cheol, come to bed?” Jeonghan called for him.

Seungcheol wrapped his arms around Jeonghan. “I have a confession to make.” Jeonghan said. “I’ve always liked you.”

Seungcheol chuckled, “I know that already.”

“No, no. I mean, _always_. Ever since. I liked you even when I found you annoying and even when we fought day in and day out on the first months since I joined the group. I liked you even though you snore loudly and you disrupt my sleep. I liked you even though you annoy the shit out of me when we were boys.” Jeonghan confessed. He had never told Seungcheol this, wary that the older man would hold it against him and tease him with it every chance he gets. “So that’s why when you finally kissed me, I didn’t hesitate and kissed you back. I played hard to get but you’ve long had me, even without trying.”

Seungcheol, with this revelation, felt happy tears run down his temples, daming his hairline. He hugged Jeonghan tighter.

“I’m sorry, okay? I know we never really talked properly about it, but I really am sorry. I didn’t mean to hide things from you. I just… didn’t want to hurt you or burden you in any way. But I failed to see my leaving caused just as much pain.”

“It’s okay, Hannie. I will never hold that against you. I understand why you did it. I would have done the same.” Seungcheol admitted.

Jeonghan looked up to him, “You know I love you, right? Through this life, and the next, and the next and even beyond that.”

Seungcheol smiled softly, “I know. I do too. I’ll make sure to find you in all our lifetimes.” and he kissed the younger man.

That night, they slept beside each other, as they had done countless of times in the past. Seungcheol looked forward to waking up, excited for a new day to spend with the love of his life. For Jeonghan, however, it was the perfect time to go.

_So he went._

\--

Seungcheol is tired of crying. So he decided he will not cry anymore.

_It’s only been four days, Jeonghan. Four excruciatingly long days without you._

It already felt like an eternity.

\--

Seungcheol finally gained the strength to go through Jeonghan’s belongings. It wasn’t easy. He breaks down from time to time.

Jeonghan had a lot of clothes, Seungcheol noted. But a box caught his eye. Hidden at the very bottom, stacked with all the clothes Jeonghan couldn’t use anymore because it got too big on him.

Seungcheol opened the box and inside is a note. _“For Seungcheol.”_ A memory card came along with the note.

Seungcheol opened his laptop and inserted the card. There were video files. Dated as far back as 2022.

He clicked on one and it opened. A sob got stuck in Seungcheol’s throat.

_It’s Jeonghan._

_“Cheol.. I know this is way too cheesy, but I can’t think of anything else. So I hope you watch everything.”_ They were clips from when Jeonghan left… and from what Seungcheol could make out, he tried to at least make two videos a month.

To say it was difficult was an understatement. However, he found himself watching the videos one after the other. Until it was time to watch the last one.

_“Cheol, I love you. Thank you for being the most amazing partner. I’ll forever regret being away from you for so long. But I think the distance and longing gave us a clearer view of what we really want in life. For me, it’s just you. To be loved by you is the most precious thing that’s happened to me. I just wish, that I was able to experience it longer. But even though I wasn’t, know that I’m still thankful. I’ll forever be thankful for you… the boys… our daughter. You were all I needed in this life. So know that I’m going in a happy and contented way. Please look after Areum and tell her everyday that I love her. I’ll look after you and her on my own way too. I love you, Choi Seungcheol.”_ and the screen turned black.

Seungcheol had promised he would never cry again. Not anymore.

But that night he did. He cried himself to sleep.

\--

To say Seungcheol led a wonderful life is the simple way to put it. Seungcheol is beyond blessed. He had an amazing family, the members and him still go out for get togethers every once in a while, and he lived a happy long life.

He felt proud when Areum graduated college with the highest of honors; felt threatened when she first brought a man home and gutted when she announced she’s getting married.

But Seungcheol grew to realize that his daughter found an equal and he will not be the one to deny her of that. So Seungcheol proudly walked her down the isle.

Seungcheol never got married. Never loved anyone again. He was content on having the members and his daughter. Even more so, when they were blessed with his first grandchild.

And another.

And another.

Seungcheol loved spending time with them. It’s like therapy.

So one night, he had asked Areum to stay over with the kids. That night, he talked to her. “You remember your dad, right?” he started.

“Dad Jeonghan? Of course. I think about him a lot.” Areum answered, sipping on her hot chocolate.

“He glowed so differently whenever he held you. You’re like medicine to him.” Seungcheol recalled fondly. “I wish he was here to see all of this. He’d be so proud of you. Of the woman you became and the mother that you are.”

“Dad, stop it. Don’t make me cry.” Areum hit him playfully on the arm. Seungcheol laughed- his throaty, old man laugh.

They talked about a lot of things. Until Seungcheol said he felt sleepy.

Before Areum walked out of his room, he called her out again and said, “Always remember that you’re the best gift Jeonghan and I received. We love you so much.”

Areum kissed him on the forehead and whispered, “I love you too, dad. You and daddy Jeonghan. I’m forever grateful for you two.”

\--

That night, Seungcheol dreamt of Jeonghan.

_“Seungcheol, I’m here!” he heard Jeonghan giggle. He looked around and saw Jeonghan behind him, laughing playfully._

_“Jeonghan.” he gasped. Is this real? Is this really his Jeonghan?_

_“Cheol, come! I have so much to tell you!” Jeonghan laughed some more. He scrunched his nose. Seungcheol always loved it when he did that._

_Seungcheol walked towards Jeonghan and hugged him tightly. “Oh God, Hannie. You’re really here!”_

_“Of course I am, silly. I’ve always been here. You sure took quite a long time, huh?” Jeonghan teased._

_“Oh Hannie.” he hugged him tighter-- if that’s even possible. “It’s been so difficult without you. So, so difficult.”_

_“Shh, Cheol. It’s okay. I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere. Not ever.” Jeonghan placed his hand on top of Seungcheol head, caressing his hair. “You did so well Cheol. You took such good care of Areum.”_

_Seungcheol pulled away. “We’re grandparents!” he gasped. Jeonghan laughed at him, “Yes, Cheol. Yes we are. They are all so adorable. And you were wonderful with them.”_

_And they just stared at each other. Jeonghan is still as breathtaking as ever, Seungcheol noted._

_“You’re not leaving me again, are you?” Seungcheol said, pouting._

_“No, silly. Never. We’ll be together now, just like we had always wanted.” and Jeonghan extended his hand to him._

_Seungcheol held Jeonghan’s hand, smiled and walked with him. He hopes he never wakes up from this dream._

_And Seungcheol never did._

\--

Throughout Seungcheol’s lifetime, he has had many deaths. First, when his mother left them. Second, when his initial debut was pushed. Third, when Jeonghan took a break. Forth, When he found out Jeonghan was sick. And fifth, when Jeonghan left.

But out of all his deaths, this is the one he looked forward to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAND WE'RE DONE. KKEUT. ENDEDT. 
> 
> How was it? I tried delivering the blow the softest way possible. So y'all please find it in your hearts to forgive me :<
> 
> This was definitely a roller coaster ride. I enjoyed writing every part. I wanted to covey so much emotions. I hope at least, somehow, i was able to. 
> 
> As always, please let me know what you think! Kudos and comments will be amazing! <3 
> 
> Also, Thank you so much for being in this journey with me. For those who leave comments every chapters, the ones who gave kudos, the silent readers, everyone involved. this wasn't much but thank you for taking the time to read this little something i made. Writing is my therapy so being able to share it with y'all makes me super duper happy. 
> 
> Lastly! Spread the Jeongcheol agenda! <3

**Author's Note:**

> WILL POST PART 2 SOON. NEXT PART WILL BE MORE JEONGHAN CENTRIC. PLEASE DONT HATE ME. I LOVE THEM BOTH. SO MUCH. LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS!!


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